Enrichment · Wellbeing

Unwritten rules,
sorted on your terms.

A lot of social life runs on rules nobody writes down: eye contact, small talk, texting back quickly. This guide is for students, often autistic or ADHD, who want to decide which of those rules to follow, rather than being told to act like everyone else. Write the expectation and why people might hold it, sort it as safety, kindness or custom, rate what it costs you, then choose what to do and how to explain it.

Sort an expectationWhat you get

Expectations

The worked example is made up: eye contact, small talk, a fire drill and texting back. Saved on this device only.

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What you get

Enrichment · WellbeingFree

What you finish with
A record per unwritten expectation: where it comes up, what it is and why people might expect it, whether it is a safety rule, a kindness or a custom, the energy it costs from 1 to 5, your choice (follow, adapt, explain or skip), how you will do it, a script and someone to ask. Tallies your choices and the average cost; flags a custom followed at high cost, a safety rule skipped and an explain choice with no script.
Who it is for
Middle and high school students, especially autistic and ADHD students; parents, teachers, school counselors and speech-language pathologists working alongside them.
Format
Browser guide with a saved record per expectation. Prints one record, all of them in a table or a blank sheet; downloads a spreadsheet (.csv); exports and imports a file.
Access
Free. No account, no sign-in and nothing to install. Everything you type stays in this browser; nothing is sent to Caveat.
Where it lives
The Wellbeing space in Caveat Enrichment.
Support
Questions about access, an order or a correction: team@caveatacademic.com.

How to use it

  1. Write down one unwritten expectation that comes up for you.
  2. Write why people might expect it, even if it does not make sense to you.
  3. Sort it: safety or a real rule, kindness to someone, or just a custom.
  4. Rate what it costs you, then choose: follow, adapt, explain or skip.
  5. For explain, write a short sentence you can use.

Sort an expectation

Why this guide does not tell you to fit in

Sort an expectation before you chooseSafety or a real ruleFire drills, crossing,labsKeep it, but ask fora way that works for yousuch as ear defendersKindness to someoneSmall talk, thank-yousAdapt it to your styleone question, then trainsstill countsJust a customEye contact, texting fastYour way is fineExplain it if it helpsor let it goSort an expectation before you chooseSafety or a real ruleFire drills, crossing, labsKeep it, but ask fora way that works for yousuch as ear defendersKindness to someoneSmall talk, thank-yousAdapt it to your styleone question, then trainsstill countsJust a customEye contact, texting fastYour way is fineExplain it if it helpsor let it go
Communication goes both ways. Differences in social style are differences, not mistakes, and the other person can adjust too.

The double empathy problem

Researcher Damian Milton described misunderstandings between autistic and non-autistic people as running in both directions: each finds the other harder to read. Studies since have found autistic people often communicate well with each other. The fix is not only on one side.

Masking has a cost

Camouflaging or masking means hiding natural ways of communicating to fit in. Autistic adults describe it as exhausting, and studies link it with stress and burnout. Choosing where to spend that energy is a skill.

Safety rules stay

Some expectations protect people: drills, crossing streets, lab rules. For those the question is not whether, but how. Ear defenders, a heads-up before drills or a plan in an IEP or 504 plan can make them doable.

Sources

  1. Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: the “double empathy problem”. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883 to 887.
  2. Crompton, C. J., et al. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704 to 1712.
  3. Hull, L., et al. (2017). “Putting on my best normal”: social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519 to 2534.
  4. CASEL: Social awareness and relationship skills (casel.org).

The worked example is made up. This guide is for reflection and planning; it is not therapy or a diagnosis. Nothing you type is sent to Caveat. Support: team@caveatacademic.com.